I’m Still Trying to Explain Myself

Ellie — Your grandfather and I talked to you on Facetime this week. Yes, we were the two wildly enthusiastic faces in that little high-tech rectangle who made lots of loud, gurgling noises and grinned in a deranged manner.

No wonder you looked so perplexed. The world of a new baby has to be a lot like a carnival funhouse. It’s too bad that none of us remembers what it was like. Instead, we have to rely on our limited imaginations. By the time you read this, you won’t have any memory of your first months or years, either.

By the time you read this. I’m hoping you will, at some point. But who knows? Sometimes, I wonder how much difference a long-distance grandmother can make in this overheated, hard-charging, madly spinning world of ours. One of my good friends in Austin, who had a difficult childhood, said she always knew, walking in a room where her grandmother was, that at least one person in that room saw her as beautiful and brilliant and the center of life itself. My friend’s face softens, just talking about it.

There won’t be just one person who feels that way about you. You’ll have your parents, four grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins, just for starters. But I hope I can be one of the people in the world who makes you feel well-loved. Life is so much easier and more enjoyable when you begin it like that.

So, I’ll be writing you every week or so and talk about — well, what? I don’t know yet. Whatever seems important or funny or outrageous to me. And telling you about myself, as honestly as I can.

Love you, Coco XO